


Got Kik?

by InsominiacArrest



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Humor, Parody, fuck boy AU, not a tag I'd thought I'd use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 17:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5342135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsominiacArrest/pseuds/InsominiacArrest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis is a fuckboi, Peridot is a dweeb, </p><p>Lapis messages her and, messing with her or not, they certainly start a conversation</p>
            </blockquote>





	Got Kik?

[Based off this](http://catprinx.tumblr.com/post/134378573612/waterjerk-pl-ease-i-want-a-lapidot-kik-au)

 

You don’t how she got your number. Quite possibly something like black magic performed in the basement of a frat house using ketchup and a bong.

She told you it was a mutual friend of yours, you can't think of the friend that would do this to you.

The first text she sent was simple enough, ‘so i heard u want to lose your v card ;)’

You sent back an understandable, ‘who is this?’

‘a new found playmate :), we have a mutual friend’

‘Also!’ you type quickly, ‘you don’t know I’m a virgin >:/’

‘plz. don’t be shy baby, all u just need responsible adult at the wheel of popping that cherry express,’ It came with a pic of Lapis wearing a plain T-shirt with the word ‘Daddy’ on it in bright red font.

She was in her panties–and just that shirt.

‘….’ is your eloquent response. And you can’t stop looking at it.

‘Got kik?’

‘Uh,’

‘come on girl, i wanna see that face’

You were red in the cheeks, heart in your ears and something stirring in your abdomen. Oh man. Things like this just didn’t happen to you.

You make a snap decision, flipping through your app store to download ‘kik’ as quick as possible. You sweat at trying to come up with a username and profile pic.

You settle for a cheap throw away name and take the profile ‘Blonde, 5’1. I like videogames and computer programming, but don’t ask me to program anything for you. I’m best at 4 am and not a complete virgin.’ You delete the last part. You  _were_  a complete virgin.

‘i’m waaaaaiiting’ she texted you two times in a row, you can’t tell if she’s messing with you or not.

‘yeah, course I have kik. Username, lolcatz94, um, haha.’

‘nice. I’m messaging u now.’

ThePussyDestroyer69 sends you an invite…you start having second thoughts.

‘PussyDestroyer’

‘oh baby, say my name.’

You look at the screen blankly, PussyDestroyer69 keeps typing.

‘i used to be 'burntcheerio,' and then ‘herpes-free-since93’ which was sick but i sold it to some kid online said he’d buy it for 5 bucks, so yeh i gave it up.’

‘Interesting.' You hope she feels the deadpan in your text from across the screen.

‘yah, ikr, ima fucking delight...now look at ur kik!!’

You check back on the kik app. The girl sent you another photo.

You gulp and open it, it was picture of her with her tongue jutting out between two of her fingers, it read ‘Hans shot first.’ She had a tongue ring.

‘you have some er, blue hair.’

‘i can show u my natural color up close and personal if you want to come over and get cozy’ Another winky face.

‘…I don’t know your name.’

‘it’s Lapis. queen of getting all the babes, and collecting V cards like it’s 52 pickup’

Your fingers hover over the keyboard, this was too much.

Lapis sent another picture, again asking for nudes. You send her a picture of your disgruntled ugly cat named Splotches. She loves it. Or more specifically:

‘i love ur pussy!!’

You’re not sure you wanted to meet this type of girl. She sends you three more memes and a ‘hmu’ with her exact location.

You can’t tell if she’s serious, but you can at least tell she’s silly. You doubt this is how any good relationship starts out, especially she keeps claiming to be your ‘guardian angel sent to get you out of those clothes.’

But you keep typing like you’re possessed, like you said, things like this don’t happen to you very often. 


End file.
